Most people I hear from are upset that their spouse has been cheating on them and aren’t sure how to move forward in a healthy way. Even so, sometimes I hear from the person who cheated. They, too, want to move forward in a healthy way, but their spouses are often too reluctant to trust them or even give them a chance. They are often looking for the best strategy to get their spouse to listen to them and give them at least some kind of opportunity.
Many tried to completely fall to the sword and seek forgiveness. They will make every promise under the sun. They will promise to go to counseling or to allow their spouse to call the injections or to do whatever it takes to get the spouse not to leave them. However, more often than not, this is not enough for a faithful spouse. They are understandably hurt and reluctant to trust again. So the cheating spouse may start to explore other options. Sometimes, well-meaning friends and family tell the cheating spouse that they are too much of a “push-in.” This may leave the spouse unsure of what kind of position to take until they have a small chance of saving the marriage.
For example, a wife might say, “I literally begged my husband not to end our marriage. I can’t blame him for his anger. I cheated on him and it’s inexcusable. If the roles are reversed, I’m not sure I can forgive him. But I want him to forgive me because I don’t want to break up my family and do this to our kids. I would do anything for my husband to stay home. My friends that my husband doesn’t like and think are a bad influence will fall for me. I’ll do whatever it takes.” He hasn’t completely shut me down or anything. But he won’t give me any kind of commitment and he won’t tell me that he’s even considering forgiving me or letting me back. It basically just works like that. I feel so sorry and he acts like I don’t exist and I asked him if I could make him do anything. Like I’m just a problem. When I discuss this with my friends, they say I should play hard ball a little bit more and not be a pushover or be forgiving. They say I almost call my husband to be to “mean with me because I act like I don’t deserve respect. They say yes, I made a mistake, but I’m not a bad person. Are they right? Should I pretend I’m going to walk so he doesn’t want to lose me and then be more willing to hear my voice?” “
I will do my best to help, but I have never been in your situation. Actually, I’ve been in the opposite situation (as a devoted wife) but that’s why I think I can help. Had my husband tried to play hardball or pretend he was going to walk if I wasn’t accepting of him, well, I have to say I might have opened the door for him. I had no patience for this kind of play. Basically, I was waiting for my husband to show me his sincerity, not his attempts at manipulation. I was waiting to see if he would give in and then not keep his promises. I wasn’t going to blindly believe his claims or just believe in him without first seeing him do the work.
Once he did everything he promised, I started to trust him again. It proved to me that I didn’t need to break up our family because it wasn’t in my best interest to do so. I suspect your husband may have been watching and waiting in the same way. He is looking for constant fidelity. It’s one thing to say all the right things. It’s another to do all the right things when you’re not sure anyone is watching. This kind of rehabilitation takes time, unfortunately. A relationship does an enormous amount of damage and you can’t expect it to be righted by words and reassurances. You have to make it right through repeated actions. There is no way to rush this.
Trying to rush the hard ball or not adjusting is almost emotional blackmail. It also indicates that you care more about your own time frame than you do about reassuring your husband. It’s not a good strategy at all. If anything, it will only make your wife suspect you more. Therefore, if you genuinely want a spouse who believes in you again, manipulating them is the worst way to do it. Be Honest. be patient. And know that it can be rough for a while. But if you are serious about your marriage, what is the other option?
